If you were drowning, I’d come to the rescue,

wrap you in my blanket and pour hot tea.

If I were a sheriff, I’d arrest you

and keep you in the cell under lock and key.

If you were a bird, I’d cut a record

and listen all night long to your high-pitched trill.

If I were a sergeant, you’d be my recruit,

and boy I can assure you you’d love the drill.

If you were Chinese, I’d learn the language,

burn a lot of incense, wear funny clothes.

If you were a mirror, I’d storm the Ladies,

give you my red lipstick and puff your nose.

If you loved volcanoes, I’d be lava

relentlessly erupting from my hidden source.

And if you were my wife, I’d be your lover

because the church is firmly against divorce. 

Every now and then a young man wants to meet me that stands out beyond all others. Needless to say, this guy has knocked me off my feet. That being said, he may be the definition of douche bag. I have copied his profile and decided to share it with all of you. I really don’t know how this gentleman is still single. Weird. 

I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. Oh, the hilarity!

Enjoy!

BrianOCie The Shark: Muscles Glasses

(Guess which one he is!)

His interests:

Autoerotic asphyxiation
Cheerleaders
Football
Boxing

OK I have a list of rules….

1. No Fat Chicks…..

2. No chicks with stupid Marylin Monroe quotes in their profile…..

3. I’m not looking for a long term relationship I’m here for one thing and one thing only…. 

4. I dont give a f*ck about how your ex was an 4sshole there is nothing better at loosing my interest then bringing up you’re infact if you do this i promise to be an even bigger 4sshole than him #REALTALK.

5. DO NOT ASK FOR TOPLESS PICS OF ME!!!! American women are horn dogs if i wanted you to have one id just send you one…. (same goes for my c*ck)

6. Single mothers are ok just dont expect me to play the role of daddy….. I HATE kids…. 

7. I encourage MILFs to message me….. 

Well now that we got those ground rules out of the way I can get started

My name is Brian,

I’m 24 years old I’ve recently moved here from Dublin, Ireland. (RULE 8. DO NOT ASK IF I HAVE AN ACCENT, of course i f*cking have an accent!!!) 

I lost my job back in ireland so I decided to move to the land of opportunity to test my luck with the lovely ladies in the land of the free!

I like toasted banana sandwiches with just a little icing sugar. I am allergic to peanuts. I LOVE popcorn and giving lick outs. 

I am looking for an attractive girl to spend some quality time with ;) 

My ideal woman would be of latin origin and have atleast C cup breasts!

I have been known to burn coal from time to time! (so for all the “sistas” theres no need to be shy!)

Snow bunnies and asians may also apply!

Middle eastern terrorist chicks hit me up what a better way to perserve your cover than by hooking up with an infidel?????


EDIT: Rule #9 (this one should be obvious) NO TRANNIES!!!!! If i wanted to **** a guy id **** a guy but I dont so I wont…..

Rule 10 do not message me if you do not have perfect teeth… Its one of my things….

Yesterday I decided to take a stroll over to see my girl Cassy at her new nail shop - which is located in a predominantly Jewish neighborhood. Afterwards, her and I were standing outside in front of my car chatting when a young Jewish girl came up to us. She asks if we had a few minutes and explains that because it is Shabbat, she is unable to open her refrigerator. She asks me if I have a few minutes to walk around the corner and up to her apartment to open her refrigerator. At first I thought she was kind of joking - even though I already knew that Hasidic Jews have lots of crazy rules they need to follow. Cassy and I look at each other for a moment, and then agree to go up to her apartment. We follow the girl to her apartment and I ask her if it is even ok that she’s speaking with us (non-Jews) on Shabbat. The girl quickly responded with a smile and said, “of course, you’re God’s children too.” Once we get into the apartment, it is very neat and clean with only the bare necessities. I follow her into the kitchen and open the refrigerator. She smiles and says “Thank you! That’s it!” She then wedges a towel in the door so that it won’t close again. She then offers us something to drink, but we declined. As we were leaving I told her “Shabbat Shalom”, which completely caught her off-guard. She responds “Wait, you’re not Jewish - are you?” I laughed and said “No, but I have Jewish friends and I’ve been to Israel.” We talk for a few more moments, then Cassy and I leave. 

I’m obviously not religious, but at what point is a Hasidic Jewish person going to say “this is ridiculous that I can’t open my refrigerator?!” The reality is that this young girl is going to prepare a meal for Shabbat to share with her family and friends. Obviously, this is how Shabbat is intended to be spent. However, she couldn’t open her refrigerator, and she couldn’t ask anyone of her faith to do it either. Her other predicament is that she can’t ask a man to do it. So, she had to find a woman, who wasn’t of her faith, and who was also willing to follow her into her home. I’m curious to know how long she stood in her kitchen perplexed by what to do? Had she already had the refrigerator door wedged open and the towel slipped out? Has this happened to her before - where she had to find a female non-Jew to help her do something so simple that she could obviously do, but her faith wouldn’t allow for?! Is it really Shabbat Shalom when you have to leave your apartment to find people to open your refrigerator for you? Seems like unnecessary stress to me. 

So…… I went to a sex shop today on my lunch. Yup, that’s how I roll during my lunch hour in New Jersey. Oh, and not just any sex shop, but the one that was on the side of the highway with the neon sign that read “Romantic Lingerie”! Yes, that’s how I do.

Anyways, while my friend was looking for a new video, I decided to take a lap and admire all the fine items available for purchase. Just as I began to admire the ‘My Baby Got Back Doggie Style Love Doll’, the man who owned the store came around and said he’d give me the grand tour! (I looooooooove tours!!!) The owner is a middle aged Sicilian gentleman, with longer salt and peppery hair, and the best little Philadelphian gay accent! He starts out by taking me to ‘Cock Ring Wall’; then gradually over to ‘Bullet Row’; and then over to the dildo and vibrators section.

This is where he began to tell me stories of customers past. 

He points and says “see that one there, I have a story for you!” To which of course I replied, “I LOOOOOOOVE STORIES!” He begins to tell me how two petite Spanish lesbians come in regularly to purchase this “item”. Oh, I should mention that this “item” is a black double sided dildo that’s about three feet long and three and a half inches thick! NO JOKE! It looks more like a dildo weapon, than anything that could ever be used sexually. He continues to tell me they come in about once a month and buy this dildo. Then he says, “so one time they came in, and it was sold out. Oh, you should’ve seen the looks on their faces!! You would’ve thought I had just told them there was no Christmas!” We both share a laugh and then he says, “I really wanna ask them why they keep buying it. Is it a weapon? Is it a joke? How the fuck are you going through them so quickly? Oh… I guess I don’t really wanna know. But I know there’s no way that thing fits in either of them!” 

AWESOME! 

We continue back to where he keeps all the lingerie. This is where you find only the finest of full body stockings, man thongs, leather garter belts and all the like. He tells me, “You know there are a lot of trannies in this town!” To which I reply, “Ya, I feel like I could see that.” He then tells me about a week ago there was a white guy in a suit looking at all the lingerie and he asked if the guy needed any help. The guy responds “Do you think I’m pretty?!” and pulls up his pant leg to reveal hot pink stockings. To which the owner of the shop said, “Oh you’re gorgeous!”

Finally, we find our way back around to where I had initially began, the ‘My Baby Got Back Doggie Style Love Doll’! She’s a gorgeous black girl that apparently loves it from behind! Thus, another great story was told. He tells me that three Mexican guys come in, and are huddled around the dolls speaking Spanish. When he finally catches the conversation, it was as they were coming to an agreement, “Ok, well I’m first!” - “I’m second.” - “Ok, I’m third.” Yup, they were agreeing on how they were gonna gangbang the doll! This obviously makes me break into laughter. I was completely grossed out and thoroughly entertained! The owner of the shop replies to my laughter with “Si, sloppy seconds and thirds?!” AHHHAHAHAHAHA

The last story came as we were standing around laughing about the gangbang. The owner tells me how he’s been in this business for thirty years and he’s seen and heard just about everything. He said he’s been in this business because everyday is hilarious. He then tells me how going to porn shoots are his favorite because they’re so hilarious to watch. So he tells me his most memorable shoot. It was an anal video and the girl had apparently had taco bell for lunch. AHHHAHAHAHAHA the rest is history! 

As a parting gift the owner gave my friend and I penis bracelets! I’ve decided that the shifter of my car is the best place for such a glorious item. I pity the day any of my male coworkers have to ride with me in the car.